Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
