Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
