At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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