I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
