about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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