I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
