We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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