Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
