im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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