I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
