Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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