having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
