I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize