He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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