i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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