Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
