note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
