she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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