When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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