You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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