Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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