Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
