Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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