i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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