tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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