I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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