Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
