I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
