Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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