The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
