It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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