Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
