sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
