D3 body, D1 cock
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
