I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize