Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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