idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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