I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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