I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
