my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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