God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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