She announced her abortion via fbk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
