i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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