1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
