I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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