There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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