I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
