She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
