Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
