quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Houston, we have a squirter
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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