Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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