i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
