I'm going to jail i love you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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