Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
