Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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