I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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