Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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