the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
its liver damage thursday
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize