i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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