if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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