How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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