Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
