They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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