ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
