The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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