I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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